Coffee Quotes – Funny Quotes

MOVIE STAR AND TELEVISION COFFEE QUOTES

“I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.”

Clark Gable

“If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.”

Mae West

“You make good coffee . . . You’re a slob, but you make good coffee.”

Cher, in Moonstruck

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”

Conan O’Brien

Coffee Quotes – Funny Quotes continued:

“In movies, you have a production assistant carrying your chair around and getting you coffee. In theater, no one carries your chair, no one gets you your coffee, there’s no craft service, there’s no per diem. The only thing that is provided for you is coffee, tea, sugar and milk. It doesn’t matter how big a star you are or whatever.”

Rosie Perez

“I can’t sit around having coffee. I have all these appointments, and a lot of my friends sit around having coffee talking about the jobs they didn’t get.”

Eva Marie Saint

“Wine is for aging, not coffee.”

Ken Hutchinson, Starsky and Hutch

“What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.”

Robin Williams, Good Morning Vietnam

“Cocaine is like really evil coffee.”

Courtney Love

“Coffee, Jamaican blend, double-strong, double-sweet.”

O’Brien: Star Trek DS9

Coffee was only a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your slightly older self.”

Terry Pratchett, Thud!

“Why don’t you have a cup of coffee at least? I, um, I’m a little low in sugar and I don’t have any cream, but it’s real coffee.”

Barbara Streisand

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

Dave Barry

“Way too much coffee. But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

David Letterman

“Coffee, according to the women of Denmark, is to the body what the Word of the Lord is to the soul.”

Isak Dinesen

“During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

Bill Maher

“I’ve just arrived in New York City. What a place! Just smell those skyscrapers. Had breakfast at a little deli on Ninth Avenue. Cheese Danish and a cup of coffee, black as a moonless night. Hit the spot.”

Twin Peaks

“Do you know how many calories are in butter and cheese and ice cream? Would you get your dog up in the morning for a cup of coffee and a donut?”

Jack LaLanne

“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table – There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about it.”

Garrison Keillor

“A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee – a lot more.”

Jayne Mansfield

“Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.”

Bill Cosby

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

Dave Barry

“I call it the ‘doll house,’ … It’s absolutely gorgeous, especially at this time of year. It’s a crisp sky and, you know, if we wake up on a clear morning, and then I take little Norm out for a walk, have a little coffee on the deck.”

Jennifer Aniston

“You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England; exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities; and much, much more.”

Dave Barry

“There’s people outside our house; you get followed by photographers; you can’t go out and have a cup of coffee with a friend without someone coming up to you.”

Jack Osbourne

“Natalie’s estate is handled by Global Icons, and they police the world so her picture isn’t on a T-shirt or coffee cup unless we approve of it.”

Robert Wagner

“I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, ‘Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.’”

Jim Carrey

“Dinsdale, He was a nice boy…… He nailed my head to a coffee table.”

Monty Python

“And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God’s sake, they were blowing peoples’ heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn’t even coffee.”

Dennis Miller

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

Dave Barry

“Originally, we were going to set up a cappuccino bar in the showroom, but we’ve been so busy, … We decided when we’re old and grey, we’re going to set up a coffee shop, and we formed the company about 18 months ago when we thought of the name. It’s going to be TLC – Tastes Like Chocolate.”

Liz Taylor

“Thank you for your coffee, seignior. I shall miss that when we leave Casablanca.”

Ingrid Bergman, in Casablanca

“I have to say that I think maybe they did her a favor, and maybe she’ll actually get help. Coffee’s one thing, but coke is another. It’s not something you want to really have as a problem in your life. I think we have to kind of stop rewarding bad behavior and actually start helping people.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt

“I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee.”

Burt Lancaster

“Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.”

Fran Drescher

“There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn’t that seem like cheating?”

Andy Rooney

“I’m generally never at a lack for words, but it’s indescribable how poor the response was from our own government officials, … We could have coffee for three hours and never get through all the horrors I’ve seen. Where was the help when we needed it?”

Hannibal

“Half-caf, double-tall, non fat, whole-milk foam, bone-dry, half-pump mocha, half sugar in the raw, double cup, no lid, capp – to go.”

Linda Evangelista, ordering at Starbucks.

“I like cappuccino, actually. But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all.”

David Lynch

AUTHORS AND BOOKS

“Good coffee may come from Arabia or India, from the Blue Mountains of Jamaica, or via France with an admixture of chicory; but its flavor and excellence will be derived from daily careful roasting and grinding, a truism universally admitted and habitually disregarded.”

Lady Jekyll

“Coffee has … expand[ed] humanity’s working-day from twelve to a potential twenty-four hours. The tempo, the complexity, the tension of modern life, call for something that can perform the miracle of stimulating brain activity, without evil, habit-forming after-effects.”

Margaret Meagher in To Think of Coffee, 1942.

“I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism.”

Abigail Reynolds, In Pemberley by the Sea.

“After a few months’ acquaintance with European ‘coffee’ one’s mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with it’s clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed.”

Mark Twain

“Coffee: Induces wit. Good only if it comes through Havre. After a big dinner party it is taken standing up. Take it without sugar  -  very swank: gives the impression you have lived in the East.”

Gustave Flaubert

“Another head – and a black alpaca jacket and a serviette this time – to tell us coffee is ready. Not before it is time, too.”

D.H. Lawrence, Sea and Sardinia.

“Coffee is real good when you drink it gives you time to think. It’s a lot more than just a drink; it’s something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup.”

Gertrude Stein

“Blacker than a moonless night. Hotter and more bitter than Hell itself… That is coffee.”

Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright in Godot

“Of all the unchristian beverages that ever passed my lips, Turkish coffee is the worst. The cup is small, it is smeared with grounds; the coffee is black, thick, unsavory of smell, and execrable in taste. The bottom of the cup has a muddy sediment in it half an inch deep. This goes down your throat, and portions of it lodge by the way, and produce a tickling aggravation that keeps you barking and coughing for an hour.”

Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad

“It was a pleasant cafe, warm and clean and friendly, and I hung up my old water-proof on the coat rack to dry and put my worn and weathered felt hat on the rack above the bench and ordered a cafe au lait. The waiter brought it and I took out a notebook from the pocket of the coat and a pencil and started to write.”

Ernest Hemingway

In the 1917 Love Song of Alfred Prufrock, Thomas Eliot wrote,

“For I have known them all already, known them all. Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; I know the voices dying with a dying fall. Be-neath the music from a farther room.”

Alfred Prufrock, Love Song

“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”

Albert Camus

“Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It’s the only thing “real” men do that doesn’t seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it’s on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.”

Erma Bombeck

“The average American’s simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak.”

Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad

“Coffee in Brazil is always made fresh and, except at breakfast time, drunk jet black from demitasses first filled almost to the brim with the characteristic moist, soft coffee sugar of the country, which melts five times as fast as our hard granulated. For breakfast larger cups are used, and they’re more than half filled with cream. This cafe con leite doesn’t re-quire so much sugar as cafe preto-black coffee.”

Bob Brown and Cora Rose, South American Cookbook (1939)

“For fifteen days I struggled to prove that no functions analogous to those I have since called Fuchsian functions could exist; I was then very ignorant. Every day I sat down at my work table where I spent an hour or two; I tried a great number of combinations and arrived at no result. One evening, contrary to my custom, I took black coffee; I could not go to sleep; ideas swarmed up in clouds; I sensed them clashing until, to put it so, a pair would hook together to form a stable combination. By morning I had established the existence of a class of Fuchsian functions, those derived from the hypergeometric series. I had only to write up the results which took me a few hours.”

Henri Poincare, Science et Methode

“Coffee is the common man’s gold, and like gold, it brings to every person the feeling of luxury and nobility.”

Sheik-Abd-al-Kadir, In Praise of Coffee (1587)

“In most households a cup of coffee is considered the one thing needful at the breakfast hour. But how often this exhilarating beverage, that ‘comforteth the brain and heateth and helpeth digestion’ is made muddy and ill-flavoured! … You may roast the berries ‘to the queen’s taste,’ and grind them fresh every morning, and yet, if the golden liquid be not prepared in the most immaculate of coffee-pots, with each return of morning, a new disappointment awaits you.”

Janet McKenzie Hill, Practical Cooking and Serving (1902)

“It was one of those mornings when a man could face the day only after warming himself with a mug of thick coffee beaded with steam, a good thick crust of bread, and a bowl of bean soup.”

Richard Gehman, The Haphazard Gourmet (1966)

“Sugar is always served with coffee [in France], usually in large lumps, and it is not bad manners – though certainly informal and not to be done at a luncheon or dinner party – to dip the corner of a lump of sugar into the coffee and then eat it. To do so is to ‘faire le canard.’”

Pamela Vandyke Price, Gourmet Traveller (1974)

“Persons drinking coffee, as a general rule, eat less, though coffee, and also tea, have little direct food value; but they retard the waste of the tissues, and so take the place of food.”

Maria Parloa, Appledore Cookbook (1881)

“Oh, my tattered rags are caught on your coffee table.”

Homer

“Moderately drunk, coffee removes vapours from the brain, occasioned by fumes of wine, or other strong liquors; eases pains in the head, prevents sour belchings, and provokes appetite.”

England’s Happiness (1699)

“The morning cup of Café Noir is an integral part of the life of a Creole household. The Creoles hold as a physiological fact that this custom contributes to longevity, and point, day after day, to examples of old men and women of fourscore, and over, who attest to the powerful aid they have received through life from a good, fragrant cup of coffee in the early morning.”

Picayune Creole Cook Book (1909)

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.”

T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

“Physicians say that coffee without cream is more wholesome, particularly for persons of weak digestion. There seems to be some element in the coffee which combined with the milk, forms a leathery coating on the stomach, and impairs digestion.”

Buckeye Cookbook (1883)

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“Let no man grumble when his friends fall off,

As they will do like leaves at the first breeze;

When your affairs come round, one way or t’other,

Go to the coffee house, and take another.”

Byron, in Don Juan

“His most frequent ailment was the headache which he used to relieve by inhaling the steam of coffee.”

Dr. Johnson, The Life of Pope

“Coffee comes in five descending stages: Coffee, Java, Jamoke, Joe, and Carbon Remover.”

Robert A. Heinlen, Glory Road

“Coffee it is best to buy by the bag, as it improves by keeping. Let it hang in the bag, in a dry place, and it loses its rank smell and taste.”

Catherine Beecher, Miss Beecher’s Domestic Receipt-Book (1846)
“Why don’t you have a cup of coffee at least? I, um, I’m a little low in sugar and I don’t have any cream, but it’s real coffee.”

Barbara Streisand

“The drink that comforteth the brain and heart and helpeth digestion.”

Bacon

“Complacencies of the peignoir, and late

Coffee and oranges in a sunny chair.

And the green freedom of a cockatoo

Upon a rug mingle to dissipate

The holy hush of ancient sacrifice”

Wallace Stevens

“The smell of coffee cooking was a reason for growing up, because children were never allowed to have it and nothing haunted the nostrils all the way out to the barn as did the aroma of boiling coffee.”

Edna Lewis, The Taste of Country Cooking

“The average American’s simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak.”

Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad

“The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce.”

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. (1891)
“The coffee is prepared in such a way that it makes those who drink it witty: at least there is not a single soul who, on quitting the house, does not believe himself four times wittier that when he entered it.”

Charles de Secondat Montesquieu

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“In a word, coffee is the drunkard’s settle-brain, the fool’s pastime, who admires it for being the production of Asia, and is ravished with delight when he hears the berries grow in the deserts of Arabia, but would not give a farthing for a hogshead of it, if it were to be had on Hampstead Heath or Banstead-Downs.”

Thomas Tyron, The Good Hous-Wife Made A Doctor (1692)

“The coffee was boiling over a charcoal fire, and large slices of bread and butter were piled one upon the other like deals in a lumber yard.”

Charles Dickens

“Over second and third cups flow matters of high finance, high state, common gossip, and low comedy.”

New York Times (1949)

“Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why does the tea generally taste of boiled boots?”

William Makepeace Thackeray

“Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Moderately drunk, coffee re-moves vapours from the brain, occasioned by fumes of wine, or other strong liquors; eases pains in the head, prevents sour belchings, and provokes appetite.”

England’s Happiness Improved (1699)

“Kerouac opened a million coffee bars and sold a million pairs of Levis to both sexes. Woodstock rises from his pages.”

William Burroughs, The Adding Machine, Remembering Jack Kerouac (1985)

“Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine, are weak dilutions the surest poison is time.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A cup of coffee-real coffee-home browned, home ground, home made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream that never cheated, but was real cream from its birth, thick, tenderly yellow, perfectly sweet, neither lumpy nor frothing on the Java: such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils and will exorcise them all.”

Henry Ward Beecher, In Eyes and Ears

“It’s just like when you’ve got some coffee that’s too black, which means it’s too strong. What do you do? You integrate it with cream, you make it weak. But if you pour too much cream in it, you won’t even know you ever had coffee. It used to be hot, it be-comes cool. It used to be strong, it becomes weak. It used to wake you up, now it puts you to sleep.”

Malcolm X, Malcolm X Message to the Grass Roots (1963)

“We shall prepare the coffee of reconciliation through the filter of justice. Through reconciliation, streams of tears will come to our eyes.”

Haiti President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, New York Times (1949)

“Coffee leads men to trifle away their time, scald their chops, and spend their money, all for a little base, black, thick, nasty, bitter, stinking nauseous puddle water.”

Women’s Petition Against Coffee (1674)

“No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils.”

Henry Ward Beecher

“Somehow, the Good Lord don’t want to see no man start a cold morning with just black coffee.”

Robert Newton Peek, A Day No Pigs Would Die

“So in our pride we ordered for breakfast an omelet, toast and coffee and what has just arrived is a tomato salad with onions, a dish of pickles, a big slice of watermelon and two bottles of cream soda.”

John Steinbeck

“After a few months’ acquaintance with European ‘coffee’ one’s mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with it’s clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed.”

Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad

“Starbucks goes to a great effort, and pays twice as much for its coffee as its competitors do, and is very careful to help coffee producers in developing countries grow coffee without pesticides and in ways that preserve forest structure.”

Jared Diamond

“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.”

Edward Abbey

“Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It’s the only thing ‘real’ men do that doesn’t seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it’s on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.”

Erma Bombeck

“If thou fill thy brain with Boston and New York, with fashion and covetousness, and wilt stimulate thy jaded senses with wine and French coffee, thou shalt find no radiance of wisdom in the lonely waste of the pinewoods.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“So in our pride we ordered for breakfast an omelet, toast and coffee and what has just arrived is a tomato salad with onions, a dish of pickles, a big slice of watermelon and two bottles of cream soda.”

John Steinbeck

“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.”

Edward Abbey

“‘Tis pity wine should be so deleterious, for tea and coffee leave us much more serious.”

Lord Byron

“A cup of coffee – real coffee – home-browned, home ground, home made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream that never cheated, but was real cream from its birth, thick, tenderly yellow, perfectly sweet, neither lumpy nor frothing on the Java: such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils and will exorcise them all.”

Henry Ward Beecher

“Starbucks goes to a great effort, and pays twice as much for its coffee as its competitors do, and is very careful to help coffee producers in developing countries grow coffee without pesticides and in ways that preserve forest structure.”

Jared Diamond

“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.”

Edward Abbey

“Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It’s the only thing “real” men do that doesn’t seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it’s on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.”

Erma Bombeck

“During the war one accepted indifferent after-dinner coffee as a necessity, but when, after the war, one sought to find the coffee remembered of days gone by, one found disappointment. I was looking for the rich after-dinner coffee that literally curdled cream if anyone was foolish enough to spoil it with cream.”

Constance Spry, Constance Spry Cookery Book (1956)

“If thou fill thy brain with Boston and New York, with fashion and covetousness, and wilt stimulate thy jaded senses with wine and French coffee, thou shalt find no radiance of wisdom in the lonely waste of the pinewoods.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“So in our pride we ordered for breakfast an omelet, toast and coffee and what has just arrived is a tomato salad with onions, a dish of pickles, a big slice of watermelon and two bottles of cream soda.”

John Steinbeck

“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.”

Edward Abbey

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